Bruce Poliquin

Bruce Poliquin is a politician who cares. Since he was first elected to represent Maine’s Second Congressional District in 2014, Bruce has shown the good people of Maine just how much he cares about the issues that matter.

Bruce knows that Mainers’ number one priority these days is access to healthcare. That’s why he repeatedly voted to eliminate the Affordable Care Act, thus stripping healthcare directly from thousands of Mainers and making it unaffordable for tens of thousands more. Less sophisticated minds might not understand such counter-intuitive genius, but Bruce had a plan all along. He wants Mainers to care as much as he does about healthcare policy, and what better way to make someone care very deeply than to threaten to take away their healthcare, jack up the price so they can’t afford it, or slash the quality so it’s useless? Bruce doesn’t want Mainers to get complacent when it comes to their ability to see a doctor without risking bankruptcy. If they can just see doctors willy-nilly whenever they have so-called “diseases”, they’ll have no incentive to stay healthy. That would be positively un-American!

Sadly, Bruce’s efforts are not always appreciated by the hoi polloi. That’s why he is tragically forced to lie about his many attempts to vote down affordable healthcare. He’s even forced to declare that he wants to protect Mainers with pre-existing conditions, despite having repeatedly voted to do the opposite. Bruce doesn’t need something as flimsy as his actual voting record to prove what kind of man he is! Instead, he has Facebook videos in which he highlights his son’s pre-existing conditions. Bruce has an unassailable point here: if you want your family to have the same sort of access to healthcare as Bruce’s son, all you have to do is be a millionaire fund manager like Bruce. It’s an inspirational example.

Bruce’s benevolence doesn’t just extend to human beings. He cares about affordable housing, too - or, more precisely, about affording his own house. He paid a mere $21 in taxes on a $2 million dollar beachfront home, simply by redefining his valuable property as being worth less than it is! There’s a man who cares about fiscal responsibility. Bruce loves fiscal responsibility; he even lectured on it at a Tea Party conference.

Speaking of budgetary policy, Bruce knows that when it comes to how you handle other people’s money, you can care too much about discipline. That’s why he voted for a deficit-expanding tax cut for corporations and his fellow multimillionaires, that blew a hole in the nation’s budget and added a trillion to the national debt - all without producing the promised economic boost. Happily, Bruce has a backup plan to balance the nation’s books on the backs of elderly and poor Mainers, by cutting social security and Medicaid. Just because you’ve paid into social security for years doesn’t mean you can just assume it’ll be there when you need it, after all. A former investment manager such as Bruce would be the first to tell you, investments may go down as well as up! That’s how capitalism works.

Beyond caring about lining his own pockets while picking yours, Bruce even finds the time to care about his opponent, a Marine Corps veteran named Jared Golden. Bruce found it in his busy schedule to criticize Jared’s unsightly tattoos. If he cares that much about his opponent’s skin, you can only imagine how worried he must be about your wellbeing.

Truly, Bruce Poliquin is a man who cares - about his fellow one percenters, about lobbyists, and most of all, about Bruce Poliquin.